My Adventure In Spacial Separation

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I have smoked weed a few times and have never really gotten any drastic effect. all ever got was a little lightheaded and that was the extent of my “trip”

I have much greater reaching of perception from a beautiful piece of music or great writing or ideas, for that is what truly gets me high until..

I was at this girls place helping her with some housework and such. and as things got going she had a daughter of 16 who looks lkie a Goddess in training(avert thy gaze!), she decided to help out as i was to destroy the kitchen cabinets as she is getting new ones installed. this little pixie decides to get in on the action and work out a few youthful frustrations in the process. turns out she took to the hammer with ferocious pleasure not wearing gloves or even shoes..kids think they have the hand of time at their beckon call. you don’t get that hat of stars for long as someone else is taking it off for their claim. she made my day a whole lot easier!

I had to just clean up after the wild display, soon i was left alone with her and she went to the garage to show me her bong and her substances about her little corner of doing. we soon struck up conversation about her exploits of life for her time. telling me about being into girls and how it’s so much easier for girls to walk the sexual free line..how true. guys do have it soo much harder to be of the bisexual persuasion or even for that matter be into doing butt stuff. the further we talked, the more i knew she was as i had it said she had an “old soul” far belying her years. i never had to talk down to her..she is walking in the stream of many gifts. i have seen in the souls of the truly mindful and can see this one is of that type. after taking a bong breath she went to her room to mellow out and i left her alone. i soon thought i could share my sense of experience out of body by playing a piece of music, so i grabbed my CD player and got a disc that i thought would be of the spirit. the song was Lovers In A Dangerous Time by Bruce Cockburn from his amazing recording Stealing Fire(highly recommended!). i walked up to her door and asked if she would lkie to try my drugs. she was shocked by seeing a CD player but soon got over it. i gave it to her with headphones and said, i want you to close your eyes and open your mind. i left her there to do that. i kept quiet and hoped she focused on what i offered her. when i came back she thought of the Barenaked Ladies version as many kids do these days..but this is the original! i don’t know if she got the whole idea of what i was doing, i think it made an impression of what i offered her from a pure place of heart.

Soon, i was back to work and was just doing my thing as the day went fast. it was getting to evening and it was wrapping up for the day and the little lady named Alexis said i should try her form of drug for myself, and so i did as she asked of me which was to take two deep breaths and exhale as deeply as i could watching her lead me along(rather amusing actually), i then fully inhaled and did it wrong by swallowing rather than holding it in and then exhale. i have never done this so i was a total child about it. first fat toke didn’t really do anything, the second, i started to notice something, everything became a slight bit blurry and not focused. by the third hit i was having the feeling of true disconnect. i tried to contain it, but i was starting to feel reality separate from what i knew. in the end i had five fat tokes from her bong and was starting to feel the solidification of reality of which i had always clinged to no longer existed.

IT WAS GONE!

I thought the work was done, but the next thing i remember was moving stones and helping bag up garden remnants. all of this just faded in, as everything was going by fade in and fade out with no recollection to where it came from! it seemed lkie a bad dream..lkie a matrix dream that looked soo fake it couldn’t possibly be real. i thought to myself, am i dreaming this? why would i be dreaming this? who would want to wake up in a dream doing work? why the fuck do i even care? i was suddenly thrust into a situation where nothing mattered..and why should it? i wanted to just leave this behind and just fuck all of this, but i decided to stick it out as if it’s a dream, it will soon be over and you will wake up where everything will make sense again.

So, i stuck it out.

After the tasks were completed, i admitted i was totally tripped out and went for a seat of the couch and just sat there floating. it’s interesting that acuity and obliviousness can find the same space in a spacial disconnect. every small sound became a more pointed sense and was really off putting. repeated sounds were the most troublesome. distortion in consciousness is lkie having the stereo of your soul being played with as all the effects shift and you just have to listen and try to find a reason to give it sense.

Having no reality of solid form to hold you in place is a very scary place to be. Neil Peart wrote about this in the song Lock And Key writing about the dark sinister creature that lurks inside us all that we keep under serious protection as it’s the real weapon against anything we hold dear. and that was what i had to internally try to reason out..it was my only hope of not letting the monster loose. in this state you feel nothing matters and it’s all for not, so just let yourself go..except what’s being let go is the darkest, most vile rape, pillage and killing impulses want to be you. i know what rests inside my soul, and it’s a lot of darkness, hate and violence in this blood — i need to have my solid reality to keep me safe from these savage demons i know are there. i was literally fighting my impulses by reason of thought and talking myself down from the ledge my demons were trying to push me over. i know some people think that we humans are of such goodness and kindness in heart, but really, we are full of such bitter darkness and wicked imagination we really need some kind of redemption to make us even remotely worthy of an angstrom of goodness.

I fought the war of my soul.

I become of this Freudian Dystopian world of sex and death and whole lot of torturing creativities — this was my reality. i had to manufacture a reason to care as nothing seemed to matter. i don’t know how to navigate this, and i don’t see how anyone would choose to do this..their experience must be quite different than what happened to me.

We ended up going to a restaurant and before i knew it between the fades of my lack of station, i saw the old soul sixteen year old wished me well and i saluted her off as i got back to my place apparently intact. in a fog of my own war sleeping off the dream that was a dream..a paradox kissing a fantasy.

Here was i ~?~

That next day, i wasn’t entirely sure that reality wasn’t just another sublevel of the blanks i was trying to fill in. i was looking forward to the moment when reality would hit me to make itself real to me again..i was hoping it would just clue in again lkie the puzzle pieces were interlocked in the conscious knowing..but it never seemed to happen that way. it was a subsiding that even still is lkie a dripping dissipation. i tried to listen to music for an effect, and the only thing i noticed was a sharpening of the sound, a crystal clarity that maybe is the remnants of effect. it seems lkie a lot to bounce through for the sake of a little better reception on a sound stage.

The word i keep coming back to is ~ disconnect ~ i was truly spacially separated and drawn down to the animal of our core nature. unless someone can teach me how to control the experience, this is a rabbit hole i best never venture down to find how far it goes..

Little girl messes up the big boy.

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Written on august 10th/2017.