Living A Lie Is No Life.
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Above all, do not lie to yourself. A man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point where he does not discern any truth either in himself or anywhere around him, and thus falls into disrespect towards himself and others. Not respecting anyone, he ceases to love, and having no love, he gives himself up to passions and coarse pleasures in order to occupy and amuse himself, and in his vices reaches complete beastiality, and it all comes from lying continually to others and himself. A man who lies to himself is often the first to take offense. it sometimes feels very good to take offense, doesn’t it ? And surely he knows that no one has offended him, and that he himself has invented the offense and told lies just for the beauty of it, that he has exaggerated for the sake of effect, that he has picked up on a word and made a mountain out of a pea — he knows all of that, and still he is the first to take offense, he likes feeling offended, it gives him great pleasure, and thus he reaches the point of real hostility…”
From The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky.
I write this for my bleloved Jane and for the many others who have chosen to live a lie and call it a life .. it is no life !
I wrote something along the same lines :
“there is no love when you are living a lie.”
It begs the question , for what do you gain when you walk away from the truth ? i see no victories or conquests or hopes risen .. just loss.
Without truth , there is no love as love requires honesty. so , no relationships can be built or romance or depths of heart can be sought .. it’s like a self inflicted injustice.
I can’t but help hate injustice for what it does to people — it destroys them from the soul to become the darkness that seeps through their very eyes as the light slowly goes out .. the cold stare of what i saw in Jane’s eyes towards me.
Like what happens when you look at someone trapped in a cult who knowingly walks away when all you offered them was the reality of love and hope .. it is a hard thing to get over in my mind.
For what do you truly gain ? Nothing.
For what do you truly lose ? Everything. A Piece At a Time.
As a man who is in touch with his feelings , it is not above me to cry .. and i do. i think about her warmth , her big brown eyes looking deeply into me with such care , her sweet voice that sang to me and for me , her writing that is exceptional for someone soo young — she really should be an artist like myself as she is far too talented to waste it on anything else .. such a shame.
I see how Dostoevsky sums up perfectly how we become beasts of offence by living lies and no love to ever be found as humanity loses any salt of worth by Spirit .. we become oh so very weak.
I hope and pray this fate of nature is not to befall my Jane .. as she deserves soo much more than this.
I Hope my Faith and Love is not in vain.
November 16th/2024.